Amusing quotes about Christmas

If it’s been as manic at your home as it has been at ours over the last few days….getting ready for Christmas – mowing lawns and weeding gardens (one of the negatives of having Christmas in summer here in New Zealand) and tidying and decorating the house….and getting rid of a years accumulated rubbish….cleaning off the outdoor furniture for Christmas lunch in the garden – you’ll need to smile, chuckle even…..perhaps even a hearty Ho Ho Ho! Here are a few humerous quotes gleaned from the NET.

Santa Claus had the right idea. Visit people only once a year

Christmas is always a problem to the man who has to convince his kids that there is a Santa Claus, and his wife that there isn’t. 

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.  

You can just hear Santa saying Ho, Ho, Ho, when you receive your credit card statement in January

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights. 

This Christmas I’ve decided to put mistletoe in my back pocket so all the people I don’t like can kiss my ass!

I try not to eat too much at Christmas lunch….I need to leave room for alcohol to tolerate the in-laws.

It isn’t Christmas until you push your body to the brink of diabetes and alcoholism.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out I’m happy with a red or a rosé.

When someone asks – where is your Christmas spirit – is it wrong to point to the liquor cabinet?

When you stop believing in Santa……you get socks!

It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list!

1 day of coal….364 days of fun…..I’ll take my chances.

here’s one for the feminists – A virgin birth I can believe….but 3 wise men? Come on! Now, if it had been 3 wise women…..they would have asked for directions, got there on time, helped to deliver the baby, brought proper – practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and there would be peace on earth.

Christmas – the only time of year that its OK to sit and look at a dead tree and eat candy out of a sock.

Dear Santa – please don’t mix it up like you did last year – I said I wanted a slim body and a big fat bank account!

Parental warning –  Dear Santa – I’ve been good all year……well most of the year……well once in a while – it’s difficult to stay positive….never mind…..I’ll buy my own stuff….you judgemental bastard!

And a few pictoral jokes……

Oh darling, when you said small gift, I thought you were going to unzip your trousers - vintage retro funny quote

Hope I haven’t offended too many people. Merry Christmas and a Hap….Hap….Happy New Year!

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