The answer is at the foot of the page…..but meantime the quotes.
Hunters will tell you that a moose is a wily and ferocious forest creature. Nonsense. A moose is a cow drawn by a three-year-old.
To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you. They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.
What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless. I would blow my sphincter out my backside like one of those unrolling paper streamers you get at children’s parties.
Black bears rarely attack. But here’s the thing. Sometimes they do. All bears are agile, cunning and immensely strong, and they are always hungry. If they want to kill you and eat you, they can, and pretty much whenever they want. That doesn’t happen often, but – and here is the absolutely salient point – once would be enough.
Australians are very unfair in this way. They spend half of any conversation insisting that the country’s dangers are vastly overrated and that there’s nothing to worry about, and the other half telling you how six months ago their Uncle Bob was driving to Mudgee when a tiger snake slid out from under the dashboard and bit him on the groin, but that it’s okay now because he’s off the life support machine and they’ve discovered he can communicate with eye blinks.
The taipan is the one to watch out for. It is the most poisonous snake on Earth, with a lunge so swift and a venom so potent that your last mortal utterance is likely to be: “I say, is that a sn—“
But don’t worry,” she continued. “Most snakes don’t want to hurt you. If you’re out in the bush and a snake comes along, just stop dead and let it slide over your shoes.”
This, I decided, was the least-likely-to-be-followed advice I have ever been given.
Here’s a bit of a clue….or a couple of clues….All the above quotes are by the same person and he is very well travelled.
Another clue? He’s just brought out a new book called “The Body – A guide for Occupants”.
He’s my favourite travel writer and has me in fits of laughter when he sticks to the topic that made him a household name – TRAVEL…..although some of his later books such as “At Home”, and “A short History of Nearly Everything” were a task to read. They were informative, witty in places….but not in enough places. Given the choice of one or the other, I prefer to have him entertain me rather than educate me. His travel books thankfully entertain and educate…a win/win.
Yes all quotes above were by Bill Bryson.
If you’ve not read any of his travel books, please give them a try, he is a funny guy when he wants to be.